Ladies Bible Study

"Becoming a Godly Wife"

Lesson 5

Last month we discussed the 4 basic needs of a man:

  1. Honor or respect
  2. Sex
  3. Companionship
  4. Domestic support

We discussed honor, companionship and support; today we are going to talk about healthy sex in your marriage.

Genesis 2: 23-25: 23. And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.íí 24. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

God planned and ordained marriage. Everything God did was based on a plan and has a definite purpose. Marriage has a purpose. He created man and woman for a purpose. One was to have fellowship with God and the other companionship for man and to populate the earth.

Genesis 2:18: And the Lord God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.''

Genesis 1:27-28: 27. So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.''

God created male and female of everything, it takes both to procreate. This is and always will be Godís divine plan. God planned sex as part of life in the Garden of Eden; it was the physical aspect of human procreation. God also made us so that we should enjoy sex. It is a gift of God to his creation. But, like everything else he has touched, Satan has perverted and destroyed what God has given.

There are two important facts, I want to brand on your brains.

  1. Good sex will not fix a broken marriage
  2. Children will not save a broken marriage.

Sex is part of Godís plan and is a building block of a healthy marriage, but it is not the cornerstone!

Your relationship with God the Father and His son, Jesus Christ is the cornerstone. Amen!

However, if your marriage is in trouble, you will also have sexual difficulties. Sex does not go well when everything else is messed up, especially money.

In early Hebrew times, most marriages were arranged. The parents picked a bride; one that would fit into the groomís family, as the newlyweds lived under the authority of groomís clan. Occasionally the bride or groom was consulted in the choice of mate, but not generally.

Genesis 24:58: Then they called Rebekah and said to her, "Will you go with this man?'' And she said, "I will go.''

Judges 14:1-12 tells the storey of Samson, who identified the woman he wanted as wife, and told his parents to acquire her. They did not like his choice, but did as Samson demanded anyway.

The concept of falling in love and marrying someone was not part of the marriage custom. Generally the couple married and then grew to love each other.

In Old Testament times, a marriage was negotiated between families, a bride price was established and paid and a betrothal was announced. The betrothal was binding and could not be broken, except by death or divorce. Today many nations continue to arrange marriages. The betrothal set the young woman apart for the young man; the Mosaic Law protected the betrothed young woman, in many cases more so than with a single woman.

The betrothal or engagement period could be any length, from one day to years. During that time the groom prepared a place for the bride in his home and the bride prepared herself for married life.

The marriage custom was nothing compared to ours today. Today it is all about the bride, and her mother. In Old Testament times, on the day of the wedding the bride waited for the groom in her home with her friends. The groom and his friends dressed in their finest would go to her home and together they would return to his home accompanied by their friends. While their friends celebrated, the bride and groom would go into the bridal chamber and consummate the marriage while their friends waited outside, then they would return, announcing this fact and join the celebration, which generally lasted a week. Talk about a romantic honeymoon! (Nelsonís New Illustrated Bible Dictionary, pages 803,804.) Jesus uses the parable of the 10 virgins taken from this custom.

Today our customs are very different. We marry for the feeling of love and have no problem with "bailing out" of the marriage when things get tough. This feeling of love that we have is generally based on physical attraction, on our actions during the courtship phase and our physical responses to that person. Many times in troubled marriages, the first thing you will hear a spouse say is; "I thought I knew him/her but I really didnít" or "He/she is not the person I thought they were."

This is why communication in marriage is so important. Learning how to talk to your husband and listen to him is as important as sexual contact. Verbal communication is more important to most women than to a man, but verbal and non verbal communication is still important to a man in one form or another.

We talked about the 4 basic needs of a man, what about us as women.

The 4 basic needs of a woman are:

  1. Security.
  2. Affection
  3. Honesty
  4. Leadership

Notice that all these needs, whether it is the man or the womanís, have a basic component, which is communication in some form or another. Communication is not just talking a subject "to death", it is talking and actions. Everything we do is interpreted in some form or another, either good or bad. Every action we take has a reaction, either positive or negative. So what are we saying to our husbands by our verbal and non verbal communication?

For you to be able to meet your husbandís sexual needs you are going to have to meet his other 3 needs also. A man can separate sex most of the time, but a woman canít. If you are married to a man you cannot respect, allow male bonding and support to, then you will not have a good healthy sexual relationship. I donít care how great the physical sex is for the moment; if you cannot respect and support your husband then eventually the great physical sex will sour and become something you do not enjoy.

Words mean different things to men and women, men use words to compete, women use words to build relationships. Many times we as women want to sit down and "openly discuss" our problems, but that is the last way a man wants to solve the issue. It seems that men want to act and women want to analysis first. This has its good and bad points. Remember, every action has a reaction and you can talk and talk and never reach a conclusion or fix the problem. It takes several actions, discussion and identification of the problem and then deciding on an action and completing it. In many cases, this may involve marriage counseling. Do what ever it takes to fix your marriage. Do not let the enemy destroy any longer.

Letís look at some of the things the Bible says about communication. Please remember, if the love of God does not flow from you, it will definitely be reflected by the words of your mouth.

-- Living Bible

Matthew 12:34: You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For a man's heart determines his speech.

Romans 5:5: Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

When we were born again, the love of God was deposited in our heart by the Holy Spirit, it is up to use to allow that love to grow and dominate, so that we speak words of life and love not death.

-- Living Bible

Proverbs 15:28: A good man thinks before he speaks; the evil man pours out his evil words without a thought.

Donít say everything you think, but think about everything you say.

-- Living Bible

Proverbs 12:18: Some people like to make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise soothe and heal.

Ephesians 4: 25-27: Therefore, putting away lying, each one speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. 26. "Be angry, and do not sin'': do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27. nor give place to the devil.

Most of the time, we are angry or hurt when we "spout off at the mouth" and say hurtful things.

To speak unkind, degrading, cutting things to someone in anger or retaliation is a sin. You will need to repent and then do right.

You cannot keep things from your husband. Now, I am the worst for buying a new outfit and hanging it in my closet for a while, then when I put it on and my husband says, "Oh thatís nice, is it new, I can say with what I think is a clear conscious, "no, Iíve had it for a while". Even as innocent as this small deception may be, it is still a deception and not right. It would be better for me to be honest and tell my husband I plan to go shopping today or, show him what I bought when I get home. As "corny" as the old cliché may sound," honesty is the best policy."

Proverbs 18:13: He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.

Donít interrupt your husband when he is talking, and above all else, donít finish his sentences for him.

(I am the "worldís worse" on this one! But, Praise God, there is always the next time to start over and change!)

Proverbs 24:3-4: Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established;

- Living Bible

Proverbs 14:1: A wise woman builds her house, while a foolish woman tears hers down by her own efforts.

Pray for Godly wisdom, so that you can be wise in dealing with your husband, discern good ways to communicate with him and ask God to show you how to establish and develop a godly relationship with him. The number one key to walking in godly wisdom is prayer and the second is praying for your husband daily. It is your decision to choose Godís way and not the worldís way. Look at Godly women and marriages for your examples; donít let the world, TV or the media tell you what is a healthy good marriage. Donít judge yourself or condemn yourself based on the worldís standards.

The first step to good communication is to find common ground. Find out your husbandís preferred method of communication and try to meet him at that level. Here are some questions to consider.

  1. Do you let him know how much you appreciate him as a man, husband, companion and father?
  2. When was the last time you thanked your husband for supporting you and the children, for providing food and housing?
  3. When was the last time you told your husband you just enjoy being with him, no matter what you are doing, whether it is watching the news or just riding in the car together?
  4. When was the last time you went out of your way to join you husband in doing something he specifically enjoys doing or show interest in his hobby?
  5. When was the last time you went out of your way to do something special for your husband or just spontaneously went out and bought him a gift?
  6. When was the last time you initiated sex?

All of these questions should make us pause and think. It is not "all about me" in this marriage. It is about "us". How can we as godly women make it better? The answer to this is and always will be seeking and obeying God.

There are several ways the enemy has invaded our lives and changed what God had given us as a gift between a man and a woman, and changed it into something we cannot manage. Letís look at some of these ways.

As we grow older our bodies change. Most of us put on weight, especially after the 2nd or 3rd child.

Our hair texture changes, our likes and dislikes change. We respond differently to situations, as we mature and grow emotionally and spiritually. We develop double chins, hair growing where it should never be, hair graying in spots we never considered and drooping body parts as gravity plays its role in life. We should take care of our body as the temple of the Holy Spirit, but aging is inevitable and "we can run, but we cannot hide from it." My best advice is "grow old gracefully." If that means dying your hair or even having plastic surgery, do it in the wisdom of God. Just remember, cosmetic changes are never permanent and you are still aging.

In some women, sexual desire decreases with age. Our bodyís change, our hormones affect us as we give birth and then enter menopause. Some of these effects are the effect of sin entering the earth. God intended us to enjoy sex and I somehow feel that this was a gift we were to enjoy all our lives.

Donít let the enemy rob you of sexual enjoyment, if you have physical problems, seek out God and medical advice if needed and solve the problem. Consider that stress, worry, children and medications can all affect the way you respond sexually.

A man may know he has bills to pay, or know that the kids may wander into your bedroom unannounced, but it will not always affect his ability to "enjoy the moment". This is not always true with us ladies. We need to know the house is locked; the kids are sleeping and at least have a plan in place to pay the bills, before we can relax and enjoy sex. Letís face it ladies, sex does not go well when everything else is messed up too!

What are some ways to improve our sex lives?

  1. Donít be selfish in lovemaking or in how often you have sex.
  2. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    Be generous in you lovemaking and in how often you have sex, remember, a man needs sex to remain healthy.

  3. Lean to be creative and spontaneous. Donít stay in the same old rut. Do things differently, at different times and places. Plan getaways or date nights and keep them.
  4. Do not let TV, movies or novels tell you what a good sex life is. The worldís view is messed up and what the media defines as a good wife, marriage and sex life is not godly. Remember reading a trashy romantic novel can be just as damaging as your husbandís involvement in pornography, both desensitize your judgment and expectations.
  5. Do not use sex as a reward or weapon. Sex is for your mutual enjoyment!
  6. Accept your partnerís comfort zone, donít go past it. Donít criticize technique or response.

Experiment with different things but do not get out of control and into areas that open the door for the enemy. To be honest I would avoid stores that sell sexual toys, as most of these are a doorway into perversion.

6. Do not be afraid to show healthy affection in front of your children, let

them know how good Godly men and women show desire and affection. This does not mean being overtly sexual in front of them, but letting them see you hug each other, kiss each other, and snuggle are good for children.

7. Practice good personal hygiene. Keep yourself clean, neat and

appealing to your husband. Even if it is your day at home, donít be too

grungy, dress attractively. Make you and your home something your

husband wants to come home to each night. Amen?

  1. Be honest about money. Handle your money with honesty, organization and thoughtfulness.

If you are in charge of the bookkeeping at home, keep your husband informed. If you only have a household budget, be a good steward of that too. If you have a full time job, I am not going to tell you, that you have to have a joint account. This is something you have to decide with the leading of the Lord. One of the quickest ways to disharmony within the home is dishonesty with money. Plan your financial budget together, and work together to make it happen.

Amos 3:3: can two walk together, unless they are agreed?

You and your husband must agree about money and everything else, to truly be one in the Lord.

This concludes the "Becoming a godly Wife Series." I pray it was a benefit to you.

Please write down ways you learned and are implementing to reach your goal of becoming a "Godly wife" and send them to me.

My prayer for you all is that this series will be good seed in your lives and will grow and produce fruit in your life and in the generations that follow. Amen.